I’m writing to you because I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because my head keeps weaving alternate endings and alternate universes where there are warm reunions, happily-ever-afters, and faithful comebacks of ex-lovers.
This is something you warned me about; that relating your story to me could open up stitched wounds on my end. I do not regret hearing from you and sharing your pain; and I won’t ever think that way no matter how much of what you’re going through resembles and resurrects my past. It’s an honour to be allowed into someone’s life, especially in parts they’d rather deny or hide even from themselves. Who would want to recount heartbreaks, anyway?
But you were right; I guess it’s human nature to reminisce of the olden times, to glorify aspects of ourselves that cannot be revived? Old things have a potent allure; they appear more splendid in the telling, because the details that made them less glorious in the first place have been blurred by time, by distance, by maturity, and by acceptance. It’s a weird feeling. You wonder if you have done all that you could; if you had only read things wrong; if you made a big mistake in the path chosen; if there is more to be had than what was. And if you’re missing out by letting go of a love that spanned what seems like a lifetime in and of itself.
I’ll admit to you that I do wish there was a different ending, that there be an alternate universe where I get the guy and we reach the altar and have cute babies and we grow old together in a nice house with a swing by the front porch. In fact, I’ve lost some sleep recently due to similar thoughts and imaginings.
But in each dream, there comes a succint moment when you know it’s a dream. When your mind is lucid and your spirit awake. When your heart throbs in longing but also breaks with the little aspects of the truth that constitute the lies told, promises broken, and futures fading. When every cell in your body knows what truly happened and what can’t be denied, even in sleep. When your soul tugs at you, reminding you of why you had to let go–to love and be loved–fully, wholly, without a shroud of doubt or fear or pretence.
I want to believe that even this manner of looking back is part of the process; a testing period, an opportunity to confront my monsters without impeding healing and self-love. I want to thank you for reminding me of a chapter in my book which many others have been through and triumphed over. I guess it’s actually good to talk about heartbreaks; they connect people’s hearts too. Big breaks from hard breaks, right?
Finally, what I really came to say is this, that you will encounter “hard days”. I still get them; regardless of how many years have passed and how far away I live from the person. There will be days; they just come without invite, without warning. But they blow over too, like every other feeling our human existences are designed with. I hope you know that you are pulling through this with great amount of courage and there is no doubt in my mind that there is another love story awaiting you. Perhaps your next love does not lead to the front porch with a swing just yet; but God is the best carpenter. There will be a better, if not the best, ending and beginning for you. Someday soon.
Sleepless in Toronto XOXO,