Lately

Lately,
haven’t been sleeping much
haven’t been eating healthy
haven’t  been giving my all
at work and school
haven’t been singing in the shower,
or behind the counter,
or anywhere
haven’t been calling my father,
and sister,
or any friend
haven’t been working out,
or meditating
or running
and dancing on my own
haven’t been looking at the stars
or the moon
or attempted to witness
the sun rise or set
haven’t been reading books,
following my innermost passions,
or watching any movies
haven’t been breathing deep enough
haven’t been hopeful
or cheerful
or happy
haven’t been the person
I thought I had become:
tranquil
industrious
friendly
a believer
a romantic
a self-starter
Been trapped inside my head
and a body that has gotten tired
of moving
too much
all the time
always
repeatedly
in circuits
as if routine is life
as if time is something to chase
as if my body is immortal
as if my soul is unbreakable
I stand before the mirror
which can’t hide my lies
I stare into my eyes,
attempted a little smile,
tried to hum a short song,
mustered courage to shimmy-shake a bit,
and breathed my deepest
over and over and again
Bent my head in surrender
curled my knees in prayer
acknowledging…
that lately,
I have been at my weakest,
again, as then, as way-back when
I have to accept
that the person I love,
also  has parts I hate
Everything,
—the bad, the good
—through fun or bore and gore
—in light or darkness
—despite failing or making it just fine
every damn thing,
all my persons—
makes me,
is “me”
was “me”
And I must believe in all my parts,
wholly,
fully,
completely
Tonight, I shall sleep
making a bed out of the beings
and feelings
I have or haven’t been.
And tomorrow, I will wake
with gladness of heart,
and renewed spirit,
that I still love me
wholly,
fully,
completely,
relentlessly
I am my one and only,
afterall
That,
matters more than any fear
or insecurity
or despair
or sadness
or any temporal
inability to see
good or beauty or hope
in my world
or
within me
I am all I need to recover
I will remain alive.

 

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