I Can’t Let Me Go

How can I and why do I keep forgetting?

That I can’t let myself go. Go without showering for a day or two. Go without eating for hours. Go to work without any zest. Go to bed without any hope in my heart.

Why do I keep forgetting?

When there is a God who keeps fighting for me.

My alarm didn’t go off at 6:30 a.m. when I had to be at work by 7:45 last weekend; but for some reason, like there was an angel calling out, I heard my name being said and I opened my eyes to realize it’s 7:20 a.m. and I managed to make it to my shift.

I had this horrible, horrible cough and flu that wasn’t bronchitis or pneumonia or lung infection that wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t breathe right and sleep for days and weeks and I suffered so bad until I just healed without medicines.

There were days I woke up extremely fatigued and couldn’t get out of bed but most days, I have knees that are strong enough for running and walking and I have eyes that are blessed to be witnessing amazing views from where I am.

For two years after migrating to Toronto, I felt like I will never meet friends that are “my people”. You know, people who just get you, people you can converse or not converse with and still want to hang out with. But I do have them now and I love them and they make me feel like I am way beyond who I am in my head. They even support me in my craziest ambitions and stick with me in spite of my horrible sense of humour and imperfect words.

For a good, long while I wasn’t employable. Because I lost my confidence, I was shy, I felt inferior and foreign… but currently, I have no fear, even in these unpredictable times. Because I have a God who always finds and shows me the way.

I’m writing this post because I had a tough day today. I didn’t like who I was in the past 24 hours and I shamed the girl staring me back at the mirror. But, I can’t forget that I can’t let myself go. There is a God fighting for me every day… to make me feel better, to make me see clearer, to build me up higher.

I can’t and shouldn’t, ever, forget this.

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