It’s a couple of hours before 1 o’clock which is the exact time we always speak to each other on the phone and you have just sent a message saying I’d be important forever, or while you’re alive and existent. That’s kinda sweet to hear from someone who’s physically distant yet emotionally present in most situations I have right now. You are that friend I keep at heart, and at bay, at the same time ’cause I know you are so important to lose yet too dangerous to have around completely. You are that cruel reminder that I haven’t moved on yet but feelings don’t mean dying with whatever has sunk in the past and that some men are still worth my interest and the try. You are that someone who came along and took me by surprise with the rapidity of how we got close and secure around and with each other. You are that person I’ve been meaning to quit and let go of for months and months now yet haven’t succeeded in doing so at all. You are a frustration, someone I can touch and reach and hold yet I don’t and wouldn’t and shouldn’t and can’t. You are a monster, the good and the bad kind which made me compare you to a bear with two faces; the teddy-type and the vicious animal in jungles or woods or glaciers. You are unfair, with your caring remarks and songs and calls and … presence. You have made an impact on me, effect that’s so big, indeed massive in proportion, that cutting you off in my present seem unimaginable and grim and lonely. You’ve made me realize that in this world of billions of people who care not and leave when they want to and hurt you, someone like you lives and that I could get lucky too. ’Cause I met you, and have you, in the most abstract of ways.
I often wonder how many more months, and text messages, or calls, or 3-in-1 coffee sachets, or dreams of your darling, I would need to have in order to fully unclasp or unhook or kill whatever this is that binds us. The scary part is, at times, I want to not let go. That I wanna keep going, when the case should be the other way around. I must run or sprint, and flee or detach and keep away. For good. For sure. For real. From you.
So please don’t tell me that I’d be important forever ’cause that hits and sticks and makes me hope, to know. And I’ve heard such lines before, which led up to pure and nothing but devastation. Words are words and I’m a simpleton; I might, already do, believe you. Which is hard. Which will be genuinely hard. Which will utterly be hard and would hurt if the reality of your leaving, or my parting, finally materializes. In hours? Days? Months? When exactly, or does it even matter to be certain?
We both know that this relationship bears an expiry, anyway.
One thing is definite on my end; that forever doesn’t count as fact in the concept of “us” which subsists and thrives in the now. Yes, I was touched and moved and almost cried with your notion of my personal significance but no, thank you. Keep your lines and I’ll retain my distance. =) It’s just better, and safer, that way.
— Not Forever Thank You, January 24 2013