If

If you ever love again, don’t change him. Appreciate all that he is and participate in what he does. Laugh and be silly with him. Cherish those moments he grabs your hand and holds it tightly. Feel the warmth of each hug and don’t be the first to pull away. Ask him questions, about his past and his present and his dreams of the future. Know what ticks him off. Listen to him breathe and find the rhythm his heart beats. Make him smile and take him places. Ensure you have photographs of and with him, candid ones, more importantly. Take time to see him and be with him and act as if only today matters. Comfort him when he’s low. Cheer him on when he’s failing or is sad. Shop with and for him. Drink with him. Try to learn his games. Learn the instrument he plays and know what sort of music he’s into. Be honest, text and call and let him know how you’re changing. Cuddle and kiss and be affectionate. Build memories even when you’re far apart. Keep it together and don’t allow the pull of your fears and the existence of your complexities hinder you from loving and seeing him for what he is. Maybe it’s hard loving someone without being afraid. Maybe it’s hard giving your all without expecting much or anything in return. Maybe it’s hard being content in a relationship when two individuals are consistently evolving, always wanting something else and to be someone else. Maybe it’s hard to grow with someone instead of maturing just on your own. Maybe it will be crazy, and difficult, and would make you give up and pack up and leave. But maybe, just maybe, that’s just what love is. Maybe love is in that mishmash of things, of feelings, of wants and needs and whatever else. Maybe we shouldn’t think too much. Maybe we should just allow things be. Maybe we should just try to love and be loved and love more and stay loving no matter what. Maybe it’s facing all those hard things and still love. If I ever love again, I will love again.

“If”, January 11 2014

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