I found all eyes on me, worried. Who wouldn’t be? There I was blurting out all the hate my heart contained, all the anxiety my fingers keep clasped within my body, all the anger suppressed, dying to come out through any shape and form. Tonight, I lashed out like a helpless, hapless and hopeless teenager.
I have gone home and the fact of the matter that I am so terribly unhappy and scared and lost just wouldn’t let me sleep. I mean, for the first time, I have seen myself reflected in the eyes of ‘new’ friends. They knew me to be cheery, giddy and sweet. They saw me as someone energetic and encouraging and empathetic. But the person who spoke this night just wasn’t who they know and knew. For the first time, I actually said that I am a mess in the open. I actually had the words to fill in the gaps inside my head. I actually described how it’s like and genuinely felt every bit of all the words my tongue found. I actually had a dumb-founded crowd as witness to the breakdown. I actually saw that I have gotten so horrible. I actually am so, so horrible.
I need to snap out of this, I can’t be in this same rut. For crying out loud, haven’t I had enough?