This Night’s Walk Home

Walked home despite the downpour. The pavement got slippery with all the leaves plastered and pressed hard to the stone earth. Unlike my usual walks, tonight my steps were heavy. I didn’t marvel at the rustic ambience a row of houses and their porches typically evoke in me. I didn’t widen my gaze to hunt for pre-loved goods left near doors and garbage bins. I didn’t sway my head and hips and feet to tunes stored in my phone’s music player. I wasn’t jumping-skipping the way home. I was mostly silent, just kept heaving and sighing and crying and wishing for better pathways than this one. Where I am seems so sad and difficult and this person’s getting tired and exhausted and near quitting. Been speaking to myself a lot recently, calming my nerves, coaxing the spirit to think positive, keep calm and attempt confidence. But all I find is an assortment of sad, an array of negatives. I can’t fake joy, not when the rain’s sympathizing with me.  I may only be failing to see silver linings;  may only be too focused on what is happening now that I couldn’t see the better, grander, livelier picture; may only be exaggerating my situation as hapless and hopeless when it’s very, very far from that. Maybe. I am thankful though, that this time, my eyes gave in and cried. Just some sad night allowed to expunge a lifetime’s build-up of tears. Tomorrow’s always another day. It might not rain.

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