Titanium

I recall listening to Titanium on repeat the entire subway and bus ride home amounting to 3.5 hours. It was the only time I felt you couldn’t hurt me though it was the day you had hurt me the most. Perhaps you didn’t think of yourself inconsiderate when you phoned me and told me you were about to end your life. That you deserved to end things that way after all you have caused me. And there I was, months and a year of trying to move on from you, running my way, lying to friends as to where I was to rush and whom I was to meet, just to rescue you. And you spoke to me, told me of the cause, that being your new girlfriend, the person you dropped me like a hot potato for. That she was about to leave you, that you guys were over and you couldn’t deal with it alone. Perhaps you didn’t think of yourself inconsiderate when you told me you had this one fight where I was spoken badly of and you wanted to come meet me and apologize cause I didn’t deserve any of the words thrown at me. Perhaps you didn’t think of yourself inconsiderate whenever you came to me for my strength and for my sanity. Perhaps you only thought of yourself desperate but not inconsiderate. Perhaps you thought all along that everything’s okay with me, that I could take all that you dump on me. Perhaps you thought there was more of me for you to have, any time or day. That I was titanium, indeed, while I secretly broke into shambles. Yet I took the punches, the uppercuts, the kicks and all blows to my heart and ego. And I recall telling you I pray you reconcile, that you be strong, that you live without the need for me. I refuse to believe that I need you needing me; for I have entertained that crazy, masochistic idea once. I refuse to hurt anymore. I refuse to care for you. Two years down the road, with both our lives different and transformed, I look back on that one day you proved me titanium. I cried on the subway, stared blankly off the bus window, and the hours went with nothing but the song in my ears and the pain of you being undeserved and useless in my life. Thank you for now, there is no more hurt or pain; just a bounty of love to give and receive from the rest of life and the world where you can’t touch me or break me anymore. You made me titanium in my very eyes. I am now.

(Weather Report, February 2014)

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