Throwback Post: How I Was Before 2013

Betting On Beginnings!=)

December 28 2012

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A few more days before it’s 2013 and I’m feeling excited to welcome the new year. As you may well perceive from my earlier blog posts, I’ve had a truly rough 2012. The out-going year would be the most trying year for me as a young adult, if not for all my life of 25 years. It’s been a roller coaster ride, a tumultuous experience filled with a hundred devastations and melancholic ideas that kept me awake and idling about for several nights. I’ve lost certain people and have missed some opportunities. I’ve also seen the worst of me, lost faith in what I am capable of  and believed that nothing’s to bear fruit of my empty and useless existence. For months and months I’ve slept with regret and the pain of what I’ve lost and haven’t become. Surely, the past year sucked and had sucked the joy out of me in various levels, especially emotionally-speaking.

Despite the share of bad that the past year has brought forth, I’m listing down, in remembrance, the good that it has been. I call this my gratitude list, as done yearly. More than accounting for the losses, it should be the gains and lessons that must be left to live in memory. =)

1. Travels – I’ve had many domestic travels this year; namely, to Laguna, Baler, Quezon and Bicol. These are but a few in reality but it’s more than I could have hoped for given the income which came in the past year. =)

2. People – In 2012, I’ve welcomed the most people in my life. I don’t mean this in the number of people I’ve become friends with only; I mean this in genuinely opening up to people, may they be valued friends or new acquaintances. I’ve learned that people are what matters and in each one, I get to see and feel so much of what the world and living is about. I’ve gotten closer to my real circles; friendships were tested and were proven stronger than our banters, misunderstandings and misgivings. Deepened relations and honest bonds were in abundance the past year. I’ve also experienced spending time with many new faces. I took chances in saying “hi” and in making connections with then strangers. By increasing my network of friends, more and more opportunities for fun and experience opened up  like an invite for a media-only event, free dinners, gifts, wonderful stories and even the sweetest of smiles. =)

Instead of guarding myself too much and building walls to protect me from any hurt that involving myself in people amount to, I’ve succumbed to knowing others and letting them into my life more. I talked and listened, gave and took from them stories and lessons with sincere regard. This, took effort, and it always will for my share of independence tend to border on being alone a lot; but it’s the kind of willful action that warms a being the most. Indeed, people are what matters; loving them better, understanding their natures as I also try to better comprehend mine.

3. Writing –  I’ve started blogging again this year, this one that you are reading, in particular.  I’ve stopped writing, or trying to write, for many years because the process is cumbersome and difficult but thank goodness I gathered more courage to start a new blog. I thought of blogging for money at first, which didn’t work and which then led me to creating the kind of blog that is purely what I am and what I need.

I know for certain that writing has always been and will always be my healing mechanism, a true passion in life, whether I make sense to others or not, and quitting it would be my life’s gravest disappointment.  The practice of writing more, the feel of words pulsating within me as I type, the expression and inadequacy of my expressions… these are a high for this passing year. It’s like finding my voice again. And I’m even more thankful that I’ve gained some likes and followers, no matter how few they are. =)

4. Family – My mom was able to come home after five years of working in Canada. She spent a few days with us and seeing her again was priceless. I’m also very glad that we had a family picture taken , though it didn’t turn out very pretty to look at because of my parents’ forced grins. =) I’m also very grateful that my father’s feeling healthier and looks dashing as ever.  My little brother has matured a lot too and I wish to see greater changes in him in the future. As for my sister, she delivered the loveliest of news, she’s getting married! =)  My family’s far from perfect but perhaps it’s in our imperfections that we learn to love each other more.

5.  Efforts – I braved up and tried on dresses, wore make-up,  took more photos, played volleyball, started learning the guitar, and began reading the Bible. I also survived working two jobs for more than a year! These are little things, I know, but these little things were gigantic steps taken by me. I’ve always thought of myself as someone without talents but perhaps getting more skilled at these things kind of made me a better person.  Hehe!

6. Choices – The things I want are getting clearer and clearer in each day which is so unlike the indecisive me. I’m talking about choice of religion or belief, what I want in a future partner, my fashion sense, and more. The feeling’s great, when your perception of yourself and the world seem more solid, self-formed and certain.

There are more things and people and experiences to write down on this gratitude list that my pen would miss mentioning; however, my indebted soul won’t fail at being thankful. It’s been a heart-wrenching year, 2012 was; but it’s also the year that taught me the most. As much as it’s been hard, it’s been very, very helpful too. It’s the kind of year which broke and made me whole at the same time. I’ve been blessed to feel and gain so much from the twelve months that are to come by. As the year says good bye, I also let loose the strings that bind them negatively to me. I’m parting with the anger, the loneliness, the grief, the expectations, the underachieved, the whys and why nots and even the people who didn’t want to be a part of my present. There’s no use holding on to any of these  for far more marvelous things await. I could only empty my tank, to accommodate more joy. =) I am betting on the new year. I know it’ll be the start of a more amazing journey, of astonishing beginnings and transformations, of wondrous and inspiring  revelations, and of grander and more worth-while memories. I will set out to be  a wiser and happier captain of my fate. =)

And with this recollection, good bye 2012 and hurray 2013! ^___^

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